So the White house has put my OFFICIAL portrait up on the White House blog for all to see. Thankfully they didn't make me wear my god-awful collar...clothes are overrated anyway. I'm a dog who looks much better in the nude.
Anyway, today I plan on being in Owner's office to see if he has a chat with Iran. He'll most likely be taking a couple calls from Akmadinni-jihad and from the SUPREME AYATOLLAH and he'll most likely congratulate them on their clean and decisive election results and support for democracy.
Then maybe some calls to North Korea to express congratulatory remarks on their missile that can possibly make it farther than the coastal waters of Korea...perhaps even to Owner's home state of Hawaii!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
My NBC Feature
NBC tonight had a feature done on me, and frankly it was kind of embarrassing. They stated that it took me 6 months to get house trained, but I was totally ready to live in the White House WAY sooner than that! They showed me prancing about all over the white house lawn with those STUPID wide-angle lenses, and it made me look way fatter than in real life.
What many of you don't know, is that that was a pre-recorded tape. Today I was actually touring the pyramids with Owner. While he was busy pointing out that some of the pyramid hieroglyphics looked like him, I was busy desecrating all of the cat structures the ancient Egyptians held so dear. Hey, these are my pyramids now.
Our tour guide got really "pissed" when I started marking my territory on some the mummified cats...apparently that isn't so hot for mummy preservation...
What many of you don't know, is that that was a pre-recorded tape. Today I was actually touring the pyramids with Owner. While he was busy pointing out that some of the pyramid hieroglyphics looked like him, I was busy desecrating all of the cat structures the ancient Egyptians held so dear. Hey, these are my pyramids now.
Our tour guide got really "pissed" when I started marking my territory on some the mummified cats...apparently that isn't so hot for mummy preservation...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
To The Obamamobile!
The political/news humor website Punditkitchen.com (the political side of Failblog.org) recently featured a user-captioned picture of Owner and myself:
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
What Rhymes With Sotomayor?
So I've had a lot of people have been asking me what my take is on Owner's Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor.
All I can tell you is what I witnessed first hand. I have only met her once, which was when Owner took me with him on vacation to Hawaii. We arrived on the islands at 2:30 local time and met Soto in the airport. With all the vetting problems with Owner's previous nominees, he decided to get started on his inevitable SCOTUS picks before anyone even announced their retirement from the court.
As this was the first time that Owner had met with Soto, Owner's wife decided that the best way to break the ice was to hit up the airport bar for Appletinis and tequilla shots. By the smell of him when they picked my carrier up from the Air Force One terminal luggage claim, I'm sure he had a couple of gin and tonics on the way there. Anyway.
So 2:30 martinis quickly turned into a drunken game of Presidents and Assholes...literally. Owner's wife decided to get up on the bar and start dancing to "I Touch Myself" while Owner was deep in a drunken discussion with the bartender explaining exactly his rationale as to why there are 57 states in the United States.
Last I saw Soto, she was in cuffs being led away from the Mexico City terminal yelling something about there being nothing in the Constitution that required her to pay for a plane ticket. I don't know why she was trying to get to Mexico City...maybe now that Owner has finally made sure nominees pay their taxes, perhaps it's time to start double-checking their citizenship statuses as well. I'm sure she was just trying to get back there to check the paperwork of her citizenship status, being the first Hispanic Supreme Court Nominee...it would be very awkward if Owner nominated an illegal immigrant to the Supreme Court.
No worries it ended well...I figured Soto was in good hands with the police...so I hailed a cab for Owner and his wife and got them checked into their hotel...which thankfully allowed pets. Owner's wife passed out in the bathtub, and after Owner drunk dialed Joe Biden and asked him if his refrigerator was running, he settled down for a good night's sleep.
All I can tell you is what I witnessed first hand. I have only met her once, which was when Owner took me with him on vacation to Hawaii. We arrived on the islands at 2:30 local time and met Soto in the airport. With all the vetting problems with Owner's previous nominees, he decided to get started on his inevitable SCOTUS picks before anyone even announced their retirement from the court.
As this was the first time that Owner had met with Soto, Owner's wife decided that the best way to break the ice was to hit up the airport bar for Appletinis and tequilla shots. By the smell of him when they picked my carrier up from the Air Force One terminal luggage claim, I'm sure he had a couple of gin and tonics on the way there. Anyway.
So 2:30 martinis quickly turned into a drunken game of Presidents and Assholes...literally. Owner's wife decided to get up on the bar and start dancing to "I Touch Myself" while Owner was deep in a drunken discussion with the bartender explaining exactly his rationale as to why there are 57 states in the United States.
Last I saw Soto, she was in cuffs being led away from the Mexico City terminal yelling something about there being nothing in the Constitution that required her to pay for a plane ticket. I don't know why she was trying to get to Mexico City...maybe now that Owner has finally made sure nominees pay their taxes, perhaps it's time to start double-checking their citizenship statuses as well. I'm sure she was just trying to get back there to check the paperwork of her citizenship status, being the first Hispanic Supreme Court Nominee...it would be very awkward if Owner nominated an illegal immigrant to the Supreme Court.
No worries it ended well...I figured Soto was in good hands with the police...so I hailed a cab for Owner and his wife and got them checked into their hotel...which thankfully allowed pets. Owner's wife passed out in the bathtub, and after Owner drunk dialed Joe Biden and asked him if his refrigerator was running, he settled down for a good night's sleep.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Canine Health Care Plan
Owner decided Monday he was going to sit down with health care companies and try to negotiate ways to bring down health care costs. Well I don't know much about that, but what I do know is that something people don't pay much attention to and what should be brought to the top of Congress' agenda is the astronomical costs of veterinary care!
It's no problem for me, as the American Taxpayers foot my vet bills. Don't worry, it's only a couple hundred thousand dollars per year, but hey, I'm the First Pooch, so I deserve it. I'm concerned about my fellow dogs, most of whom are unemployed and cannot afford to pay for their own veterinary care. Their owners absolutely HAVE to have a pet, so it should move to the top of the agenda to provide dog owners with full vet care benefits, as us canines are some of the most underprivileged and downtrodden citizens in America. I mean, we don't even have the right to vote, can't we at least get guaranteed health care???
It's no problem for me, as the American Taxpayers foot my vet bills. Don't worry, it's only a couple hundred thousand dollars per year, but hey, I'm the First Pooch, so I deserve it. I'm concerned about my fellow dogs, most of whom are unemployed and cannot afford to pay for their own veterinary care. Their owners absolutely HAVE to have a pet, so it should move to the top of the agenda to provide dog owners with full vet care benefits, as us canines are some of the most underprivileged and downtrodden citizens in America. I mean, we don't even have the right to vote, can't we at least get guaranteed health care???
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Not Safe Enough?
The Owner promised early on in his campaign that he would close Guantanamo Bay. It's going to be disappointing when we can't go there for vacation any more, because I really enjoy hanging out on the beach with all the Havanese bitches...those are some hot poodles!
Anyway, turns out that the citizens of the U.S. are a little apprehensive about keeping captured terrorists and POW's in U.S. jails...so now Owner's buddy Eric Holder (who owns a disgusting cat by the smell of his shoes, btw) is begging Europe to keep the bad guys for us.
I don't know why everyone's so worried about keeping terrorists here...I also serve as the First Watchdog. No terrorists are going anywhere while I'm on the prowl.
Anyway, turns out that the citizens of the U.S. are a little apprehensive about keeping captured terrorists and POW's in U.S. jails...so now Owner's buddy Eric Holder (who owns a disgusting cat by the smell of his shoes, btw) is begging Europe to keep the bad guys for us.
I don't know why everyone's so worried about keeping terrorists here...I also serve as the First Watchdog. No terrorists are going anywhere while I'm on the prowl.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Reading Material
I was trotting around Owner's big wooden desk this morning and found a book on the floor, The Forgotten Man. One thing I've discovered, is that when humans leave something on the floor, it's usually something they don't care about (they leave so many free Skittles lying around). Owner's wife slept in way too late (too much doggie style last night), and I'm a morning dog who needs his kibbles 'n bits to start the day...so I figured this book that Owner tossed aside could tide me over for a while.
Little did I know, but Owner's book was his homework assignment given to him by the Republicans in Congress. No problem, he won't miss it...you humans think too much anyway
Little did I know, but Owner's book was his homework assignment given to him by the Republicans in Congress. No problem, he won't miss it...you humans think too much anyway
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